#If Depression Were A Choice

My friend, Summer, started this series, and I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon. It’s for a good cause. #endthestigma.

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t have stood on the jungle gym at my preschool, wanting to jump off, wishing the fall would kill me. Because what 5 year old has thoughts like that?

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t have been watching my primary school classmates having fun, while I could barely smile, let alone laugh. Because what kid doesn’t want to enjoy her childhood?

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t have had to witness my dads suicide attempts, trying to keep him conscious and breathing until the ambulance came. Because he could have just made the decision to not feel the pain and instantly be happy.

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t have lost two people I loved to suicide. Because they wouldn’t have been in such intense pain that would make them think it’s the only way out.

If Depression were a choice… There’d be no such thing as suicide. Because how can something exist without a cause?

If Depression were a choice… I would leap out of bed every morning. Because I would be excited about the adventures the day would bring.

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t have to smile and fake it. Because the happiness would be genuine.

If Depression were a choice… I’d never have to worry about what’s hiding behind someone’s smile. Because I’d know everything is okay.

If Depression were a choice… A bad day would just be a bad day. Because it would be easy to ‘snap’ out of it once the day was over.

If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t permanantly be exhausted. Because my mind and body would be full of vitality.

If Depression were a choice… I would have so much more time to do things I love and actually find joy and pleasure in doing them. Because I wouldn’t be wasting time in bed or on the cold floor, wishing to die instead.

But most importantly- If Depression were a choice… I wouldn’t just be surviving. I’d be living and thriving.

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14 thoughts on “#If Depression Were A Choice

  1. This is very powerfully written. I am reading it as I try to fight off suicidal ideation on a daily basis and have been for many months. Now I am down to my last dregs of energy.
    Depression chose me (not the other way around) and it is painful, wearing. grim and endless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so sorry that you’ve been having/and still having such a hard time. I know how though these thoughts can be, especially as they seem to go around and around, without leaving any room to think clearly. It’s overwhelming, intense and draining. I don’t have any words of ‘wisdom’ or anything that will help you feel better. But I’ll say this. I’m keeping you in my thoughts, and sending a hug your way. I hope things look up for you soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Extraordinary. You capture something here that might break through even to a few of those who cannot get close to understanding what some with depression suffer.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment. I wish more people out there could just understand a little bit at least, and stop judging those of us who deal with mental health challenges.

      Like

      1. I agree, Rayne. Part of the problem, I think, is that we don’t want to believe bad things can happen to us, including emotional issues, but not stopping there. As I see it, we easily and automatically seem to separate ourselves from the poor, the old, the disabled, and also tend to deny our mortality, except in an abstract way. You might find Becker’s “Denial of Death” interesting on the latter point. Heidegger, the German philosopher, also wrote about the tendency to not face mortality in his “Being and Time.” Understanding the mental challenges of others might bring things a little close to home for some of us. Meanwhile, for those not fully closed, I think your post did a real service and lead to possible enlightenment.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so true. It’s almost impossible to know how something feels to someone when they’ve never experienced it themselves. It’s essentially not their fault, but it would help if they stop making judgements or throwing out platitudes. Thanks for the hugs! Sending some right back to you. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

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