Protection And Running Away

This is a follow up from my previous post.

After I had written it, and gone to sleep, I had a nightmare.

Before I get into the dream, it needs to be said that most of my dreams over the years have followed a similar theme. They all involve me protecting others (or myself and even baby animals). Running away from someone, a group of people, or something (like a natural disaster).

In this dream, that person was my step-father. He was hurting my youngest little sister, and throwing her around the room. She was so tiny. Just a little toddler. It broke me seeing what he was doing to her. So I picked her up and ran. Suddenly there were other people with us who I was also trying to lead to safety. We climbed and jumped over walls and roofs, and crawled through barbed wire fences. Trying to stay out of sight of the monster who was hunting us. There were security camera’s, so it was even more important for us to avoid being seen. There were wide open spaces, which made us especially vulnerable. Other spaces were difficult to get through, as there were plants and trees surrounding us. We came across a house here and there, but I knew they weren’t safe to run into. That the people who lived there were in on it with my step-father. Every time I thought we were in the clear, I’d find that it wasn’t over, and he was catching up to us.

Suddenly a SWAT team appeared. They were helping us escape. But then we understood that they weren’t there to help us at all. They had their own agenda. Now there were more people after us. One of the guys running with us, picked up a dead snake, and told us that the SWAT team had been fooling us. Why a dead snake, and what that has to do with anything, I have no idea (some of my dreams have featured snakes- I don’t know what that represents). At the end of the dream, when I finally thought we were really safe this time, as there were normal people walking around, I realized that we were still in danger. I felt trapped.

I woke up crying. And I realized just how much my past has affected me, and shaped my life. For the first time, I can acknowledge that I haven’t yet fully dealt with it. I always tried to run away from my past. Pretending that it didn’t affect me. But now I realize just how much it actually did.

Once I was fully awake, I felt a combination of anger and deep hurt. I’ve always tried to be the protector to everyone. To take care of others. I took on that role. But who protects me? Who protected that little girl? The people who were supposed to protect her, didn’t, or couldn’t. And for the first time, I’m feeling the extent of that pain.

I could never truly connect to that part of myself until now. I’m grieving for that sad, lonely, and scared little girl. For the teen who had to deal with so much.

Those uncried tears, are finally being released. The hurt with nowhere to go, is being experienced and channeled. The secrets with no one to tell, are now being told.

It’s too painful to feel all at once. But the door has been opened, so I can begin to walk through it.

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29 thoughts on “Protection And Running Away

  1. Rayne, I have chills along my skin reading this. I think you’re right, the door is open and you’re going to walk through it! You are an admiration and I am one of many, I’m sure, that support you in this walk through the door.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very sad and also very inspiring. You are a very loving protector for sure, but now you need the care. I love you to bits huni and feel grateful we are healing together, despite living in different countries. 💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m also so grateful that we’re walking this healing journey together. We just GET one another. You’re my best friend in the online world, you know. Fellow BPD’ers… We have to stick together. 🙂 ❤ ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Nightmares are so terrifying and also, like you mentioned, revealing. We have similar kinds of nightmares, always being chased and tricked. Dealing with past trauma is terrifying too… knowing we have to face everything, walk through it all again. You are stronger than you know! Sending you extra love and strength ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nightmares are terrifying, and facing up to our trauma is excruciating. It takes so much bravery and courage. Having support is so valuable and even necessary for healing. Which is why I’m so grateful to have my therapist, and all of you in this wonderful community. It feels like we have one another’s backs. Thanks you lovely. 🙂 ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed! I tried for years to run, hide, ignore… but nothing works except facing it head on. The support is so necessary and there is so much support and understanding here. Love to you my dear ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Rayne this resonated so deeply with me. My eyes have been crying the last few days and this grief has been sitting on my chest and it’s all from the past.

    That grief door opened a couple months ago for me, and it’s so painful, it’s excruciatingly painful. But I also promise it’s worth it. I care for you, and you’re caring for you, and you’re going to be more than okay. Being cared for is hard, and you are so brave.

    ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This also resonated with me, Rayne. I am crying after reading it. You really are facing the truth now and the dream shows that. Snakes relate to the primal reptilian brain and also the amygdala that stores trauma. I think that may be what is signified although its just my take on it. “Who protected me?” Truth is no one did and that was so, so hard. I relate so strongly to you feeling that protective impulse as a result. You are doing such amazing healing…. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your take on it. It’s interesting. The truth is, I think I’m still looking for that one person who will protect me. It seems that it’s why I get attached. I long to have someone protect me and care for me, providing me with the care and protection I never got. But I know I’ll never have that, so it gives me a sense of purpose to be that person to others. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes and I truly believe there is a power that is spiritual that we can turn to in our darkest times and find peace and love, when there is no one there. For some of us that is what we encounter on our path. And we can be the love we want for ourselves in the world. I am truly coming to believe that. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow this must be intense for you hon. I can relate to having nightmares, mine usually relate to my dad and my fear of being unwanted/unloved. Dreams/nightmares can tell you so much that you may not know consciously and i think you’re right about the door opening. It seems you need to confront your past instead of pushing it to the back of your mind I think it will be difficult but could be beneficial to you in the end as then you can truly move on. I wish you the best of luck and much love

    NI2M ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What an awful nightmare. I understand running. I ran until I felt safe. I still like to run to find safety. It is a an amazing awareness and insight you have into yourself that you wrote this! Thank you! But I am so sorry you have the nightmares.

    Liked by 1 person

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