I Want It To Stop

The excruciating physical pain I’ve been in this week has subsided quite a bit. It’s not as unbearable as it was. But the emotional pain has stuck around.

In my previous post, I wrote how I feel like crying when thinking about the next day, week, etc. But now, its escalated into panic. How the hell am I going to make it through the next few days? The next week? My usual “one hour at a time” mantra isn’t holding up. It’s one excruciating hour at a time, and feels like too much to handle. I can’t do this! It’s too hard.

I don’t know what to do. I just need everything to stop! Please, please, please make it stop! How can one person hurt this much?

I need and want a friend right now, but none of them are available this weekend. And they don’t even have decent excuses. It’s frustrating and makes me extremely sad that when I really need them, they’re nowhere to be found. But when they need me, I’m there, no matter what mood I’m in. Even if I’m hurting as well. But I obviously don’t tell them that. In that moment, it’s about them. I put my own shit away to be there and support them.

Today I found myself repeating a pattern of something that I used to do a lot of in my teen years. Every time someone hurt me, or let me down in certain ways, I would feel this defiance and anger inside. But I didn’t want them to see or hear how it affected me. I was scared I might lose them if I mentioned it or showed it. So I’d hide it until I was alone. Then the anger would come, and I’d repeat “I don’t need anyone, I’m fine on my own.” But when the anger died down, I’d break down, with sadness consuming every inch of my being. I’d feel so alone. I preferred the anger, because it covered the disappointment, the rejection, the hurt. Anger is always so much easier to deal with, isn’t it.

I’ve had to cancel a few birthday “celebrations” over the years. Even as an adult. I’ll never forgot my 21st birthday. I was at a co-worker’s house (I was staying with her for a few weeks- I just can’t remember why), and everyone I had invited to my little party had been unable to attend. One of them cancelled an hour before it was due to start. My co-worker had gone to visit her son, as it was his birthday as well. So I was alone that night. The power went out at some point. So I lit a candle, poured myself a glass of wine, and sat on the floor, against the couch (I seem to find it comforting sitting on the floor instead of a couch for some reason- only couches though. Normal chairs- I’ll sit in them rather than on the floor). This might sound really silly, but I pretended there were other people there. Like my mom, little sisters, friends. Making up conversations in my head (there were some pretty funny ones). I had to do that, because if I stopped, the reality hurt too much. Remembering that makes my heart ache. So I’m not a fan of the day of my birth. Besides, I was a mistake. I never should have been born. I don’t even know why birthdays are celebrated in the first place. Who came up with that idea?

I’m writing about all this because I want to prove a point. I’m convinced that there’s something I’m doing wrong. That’s there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. That it’s why friends and family seem to want to spend as little time with me as possible. The things I mentioned above seem to prove it. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had this feeling (and believed) that I deserved everything that happened to me. And right now, I feel it’s especially true. Looking in the mirror earlier today, I wondered who that face belonged to. What’s her life worth?

I want my therapist. She always seems to know what to say, and has a calming influence on me. It’s weekend, so I can’t even reach out to her. And I’m not seeing her anytime soon either, which just feels so messed up. I just want to be held by her. No CBT, DBT, REBT, FFST (Okay, I made that last one up). Just one of those talking sessions. We all need one of those from time to time. Those sessions where she just listens and doesn’t make me work through techniques, skills, etc. I just need someone to listen to me, without judging. That’s what I mean when I say I want to held by her. In that protective therapeutic cocoon. Where it’s warm and safe. Even when it’s hard.

In one of the letters my therapist had written me, she told me that I’m brave. And now I keep hearing her words “be brave” (from another note), but I don’t feel brave right now.

I will try to be though. I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow. That thought makes me panic. I’m trying to just stay in the moment, practice mindfulness, but it only works for a few seconds and I swing right back. These flashbacks that I’ve been having don’t make it any easier. I don’t even know anymore what’s a nightmare, and what’s a real memory. They seem to blend into each other. Swinging from adult to child mode. The nightmares and flashbacks are all from that young part. I should never have opened that door to let that inner child in. When we started working with that whole thing, I knew it was going to be difficult, but I didn’t know just how painful it would be.

“Stop crying. You’re not a baby.”

But big girls cry too.

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20 thoughts on “I Want It To Stop

  1. I’m sad hun 😣 I am struggling similarly myself and am desperate for my therapist 😣😔 I don’t know how to advise as I’m low myself so not thinking straight…but you don’t deserve isolation or rejection. Those feelings do hurt. I think perhaps you need to reassert your boundaries with your friends as they are not reciprocating your effort. Know you’re not alone, even though I can understand why you feel alone. I feel alone myself tonight Xxx

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  2. You’ve certainly got a virtual audience, but not a person nearby of flesh and blood. While you don’t sound like the kind of person people flee, the anger may be worse now because of how much you extend yourself for them, as you say “no matter what mood I’m in. Even if I’m hurting as well.” I don’t doubt your pain. On the other side of that pain (I’m hoping it will pass soon) you may find that, like therapists, you too need to put some limits on how far you set your own needs aside for others. Had I always done this with my patients and friends, I might be feeling part of what you are now. Just a thought.

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    1. “You’ve certainly got a virtual audience, but not a person nearby of flesh and blood.” That’s what makes it so much harder for me. I love this online community and the wonderful people I’ve met here. But sometimes we need a physical presence to just sit with us and let us know that they care. I’m trying to put limits on, it’s just so hard as it’s so ingrained in me already to be there for others at the expense of my own needs. But I’m trying and will continue to try. I’m bound to get to that place someday. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

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  3. First, I love Sia – she seems to write most of my life’s anthems, like she actually gets the pain.

    Second, I hear your distress and so wish I could be there for you right now, and together we could tackle some of this. As it is, you can ALWAYS email me.

    Third, I like what drgerald has to say about extending yourself. You gotta put your own oxygen mask on first, always. ❤️

    Here if you need me, you can do this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sia is AMAZING! I agree with what you said. Thanks for the offer to email you PD… I might just take you up on that sometime. 🙂 Thank you for always being here for me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart goes out to you Rayne. I’m sorry you are hurting so badly. I understand everything you are writing about here, I really do. Sometimes physical pain refocuses our attention and when it subsides, it gives room for the emotional pain to come back heavy. I have the same thoughts about friendships, and since I have so few of them, none that I can count on, I always go back to the same thought… There must be something wrong with me. I know it’s hard, but I honestly think that those of us who experience mental health issues operate at a different level than others, making it more difficult to have relationships. It doesn’t mean we are wrong, it just means we have to look for other people who understand mental illness, and also learn how to be alone with ourselves without letting our minds carry us away. Would it be helpful if you set several small goals for yourself for the next few day? Something easy, that you know you can do (take a walk, doodle, make a homemade dessert)… anything that can distract you for a few moments. You are in my thoughts, sending you love and a reminder that your therapist knows what she is doing when she tells you you are brave, believe her ❤

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    1. Your words really touched me. You’re so right about all of it. I like your idea of setting small goals every day. I’m going to start doing just that. It will make it easier to get through the day and not feel this sense of dread for the next day, week, etc. Thanks for that idea, and for all your amazing, much appreciated support and love. 🙂 ❤ xx

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      1. I’m so glad that idea sounds easier for you! I hope it helps. It’s what I try to do when I am feeling overwhelmed… just stay in the moment and try not to focus on everything at once. I appreciate you too ❤

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  5. God I wish I could have a legit conversation with you as I feel the exact same way you do and then some. This pain that’s inside of me seems to be the same kind of pain that’s inside of me and I simply can’t deal with it anymore. I commend you so much for being able to actually write this out and share it as I’ve wanted to do the same thing but am in fear if looking like someone who is weak and playing the victim, which would then trigger my anxiety even more and I’m having crazy thoughts already so I’d like to not have negative thoughts from others come my way and effect me. Regardless of how I feel, I feel for you and promise to keep you in my prayers so that we can both get through our troubling times together. Please keep your head up. You’re stronger than you think.

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    1. A conversation over a cup of coffee. 😉 I’m sorry to hear that you feel the same way. As for writing about your feelings and experiences, I also felt that way in the early days of my blog. But now I’ve changed my viewpoint. My blog is for me to express myself and those thoughts and feelings that I’m not able to share with those in my offline world. It’s been very therapeutic, and I can vouch for the benefits of it. I’ve been met with nothing but support and kindness. We can get through this together. We’re strong and resilient. 🙂

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  6. These tough times are very hellish. I think you ARE BRAVE. Its brave to cry when you really feel sad. We beat ourselves up all the time for being real, but real is not fake and its the no holds barred agony way you feel when you literally feel you wont survive another second. I know nothing I can say can change where you are but you need to know you are so strong and brave. You are facing realities you have had to gloss over before. I have your back. I believe in you. You will come through this. You are facing at the moment how hard it was to be alone. But I know this there is a power we can reach for to help us through these dark times. I pray you find that for it loves you and sees you and accepts you no matter what. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can relate to how you feel. I wish I could say something that would make it easier. I don’t think people who have never experienced this can come close to imagining how real and powerful the pain is. You are not the only one going through this today and your writing is appreciated.

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  8. So sorry to hear you are suffering my friend! Your experience with your 21st birthday was similar to one I had as well. I know how crap it feels and I am sorry you experienced it. You are equally as lovable and as deserving as everybody else on this planet! It may not feel that way after everything you have been through, but it is the truth. Sending you warm hugs ❤ xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely Athina. ❤ I'm sorry you had a similar experience. Maybe we should re-do our 21st birthdays. 😉 Love and hugs to you my beautiful friend.

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