His Face

About an hour ago, I had a terrifying experience… All in my head of course. I had just come back from an incredible date with my girlfriend, and I was sitting outside on my balcony. All of a sudden, I felt this presence with me. There was no one there, but something didn’t feel right. The next minute, I saw his face. The face of the step cousin that stole something from me. My body. My soul. Someone I looked up to, someone I trusted. I haven’t spoken out about this on my blog yet. I’m still not entirely comfortable talking about it, so I don’t want to go into that right now.

But for the sake of making this post make more sense, I thought I would at least mention a tiny bit of it. The morning after, him and my other step cousin were sitting on the stairs. They looked at me, with these evil smiles and expressions on their faces, and that was the last thing I remember. I lost an entire year of memories after that. All I know is I never told anyone about this until I was in my early 20’s.

For as long as I can remember since that event, I couldn’t remember the details of this particular cousin’s face. But tonight, I saw it so clearly. As if I he was right there and I was actually looking at him. I could feel him. This was different to one of my ‘normal’ flashbacks, because I was aware of where I was, and that he wasn’t really there. Yet, it still felt real at the same time. Sort of like two worlds colliding. I was terrified, and wanted to run. Where to, I have no idea.

I have my weighted blanket wrapped around me right now, so I feel calm enough to write this. But I feel sick. I don’t understand what happened there. I was in such a good mood, and then out of the blue this happens. And what the hell was this?

The worst part is that it doesn’t want to go away. I can still see his face. I just want to hide.

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29 thoughts on “His Face

  1. I’m so sorry this happened to you dear Rayne. It is time for healing, this is why the memory, you are strong enough to face this horror, you have been able to write about it! Bravo for you! You are stronger then you think. hugs. xo 😪

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh golly this really gave me chills and I felt SO MUCH FOR YOU. I really think you are healing, big time, Rayne. New love is bringing old hurts close to the surface and you are seeing the past SO CLEARLY NOW. I hope you are feeling safe though. He cannot hurt you any more. Know that darling. Stay strong. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Sharon. It really seems that way. My therapist and I had been talking about this more than a month ago over the course of a few sessions, so I think I’m slowly processing it all and working through it.

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  3. I hate this when this happens, so I understand how scary this can be. More so when it happens random like that, or something different to what you usually experience. You are doing the right thing right now in wrapping yourself in a blanket. Feel the softness of that blanket and have a nice warm drink to taste, like a hot chocolate. Observe that taste of your drink in your mouth and feel the comfort, while looking at favourite things around your home and taking in what you are actually looking at.

    Although these suggestions may come late for you when you need it and you probably know these tips already anyway. But if you don’t, then I hope these tips come in handy if you are unfortunate to have this experience again. Our brain has a funny way of processing things of trauma.

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  4. I am very sorry that you had this happen to you. I understand how scary these flashbacks can be as I experience them all of the time. I do not have a lot of words of wisdom for these as I struggle with them myself…but please try to take care of yourself.

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    1. I’m so sorry that you experience flashbacks all the time. It’s horrible… I wish it didn’t exist. But it does, so I guess we need to just push through them. Take care of yourself too. Sending you hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The past seems to find some horrible and unnerving ways of intruding on the present. It is so unfair that you have to go through this because of the actions of someone else. If it will help I’ll pull up a chair and sit with you until it passes.

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        1. Perhaps a reminder that true happiness is a “no no” and will as long as “he’s” around or within reach of your PTSD memories, you’ll never truly be free, or not be allowed to enjoy life. You’ll be “his” prisoner and a prisoner of your own mind forever…

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        2. I can’t go back to my home state or my home city, because “he’s'” still there. It’s already bad enough that he still haunts me. People like us, can’t just erase these memories. We’ll always be effected. I don’t even like my spouse touching me. I dont think I could find love like you…so you’re fortunate 😊

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  6. Oh hun, I am so sorry for this chilling flashback..Although I haven’t experienced visual flashbacks, I have had horrible nightmares of extremely frightening past traumas. I am only just reading your posts today, as I had a break from the net at the weekend (re-organising our home). All I can say is that it is all part of your healing journey and that each time you get a flashback, your mind is fighting to heal..Blankets, hot drinks, teddy bears, a favourite smell (aromatherapy), reaching out on here and writing about it..
    Also don’t forget..Bilateral stimulation is very helpful in reducing the intensity of your emotions. Left to right movement.
    Typing is great for this as you use both left and right hands.Typing out your feelings helps create distance to whatever you are feeling..Many hugs to you lovely xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you’ve experienced nightmares of past traumas. It’s frightening. The healing journey is hard and rocky, and definitely not a quick thing. Especially when it seems we keep going back to something we thought we had already worked through.

      I have a teddy bear that my girlfriend gave me, and I’ve found it to be a big source of comfort when she’s not here. I also have my weighted blanket, which was the best investment I’ve ever made. I find bilateral stimulation fascinating. I’d never heard about that before until a few days ago (something like that). I find that as I’m writing a blog post, my emotions DO actually seem to reduce in intensity. It’s amazing. And I also think that sending it out into the universe for others to read, and not just keeping it in a personal journal, makes it even more therapeutic.

      Thank you for caring. You’re wonderful. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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