Journey Toward Healing

Darkness, Please Leave Me Alone

I’ve been trying to come up with something positive and inspirational to write on my blog for a change again. But no matter how much I try, I can’t grab a hold of anything. And you know what? I feel incredibly guilty about that. My whole life, my mission has been to help and inspire others. To be strong for them. But right now, I’m failing at it. I can’t even help or inspire myself right now. I’m not that strong.

Over the past month, I’ve had one good day. One. The rest have been clouded in the thick fog of depression.

I know I must move. But everything is such a effort. Just walking down the stairs takes so much energy out of me. I know I must do things. But I can’t focus for too long, and don’t enjoy those things I love as much as I used to. I know I can’t stay in bed all day. But sometimes I can barely move. It’s as if there’s an unseen force pressing down on me, and I’m powerless. Trapped under the heaviness.

I’m so tired of feeling this way.

Rayne

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36 responses to “Darkness, Please Leave Me Alone”

  3. Rayne. A few things

    First, you don’t have to apologize. This is your space to write how you feel – don’t feel like you’re failing us because you can’t find positivity because…

    Second, each day I see you fighting through this. Each post you write that lets me know you’re still going – it’s motivating. It’s helpful to me. It makes me feel not alone and it makes me keep fighting. Which leads me to…

    Third, every comment you write on my blog helps me and makes me feel like you’re backing me up in my fight – and that inspires hope for me. So know you definitely have a positive impact even if (maybe more so because) your words aren’t full of rainbows and kittens and cotton candy.

    I don’t trust people who speak in constant positives – I trust real people, like you. Xx

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    • PD, your comments always help me feel less alone, and my soul a little lighter. Thank you so much for your beautiful words and encouragement. You are such a good person. I really value you. ❤

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  4. It is very admirable and a lovely quality to want to help others. But if you don’t consider yourself and allow yourself to express how you feel (good or bad) then you get into the territory where you ignore your own needs. Think of oxygen masks on a plane – ‘put yours on first before helping others’ (it’s no good to anyone if you pass out!). Hugs x

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  5. It’s okay to not be strong all of the time…..it happens to all of us. I know, I am also in that darkness as well and trying to find my way out. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

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  6. I agree with all the previous comments. You are judging yourself from within with your inner critic which doesn’t accept the darkness. If you could imagine the darkness as a being, Rayne. What would it say to you, could it be your beautiful inner child covered with a heavy blanket or burden of shame. voices saying you should not be so negative.. you have to be strong. True strength is the power to be vulnerable. It really truly is. Big hug and lots of love ❤

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  7. Rayne, perhaps you know that therapists often remind their patients of the safety instruction given about oxygen masks on airlines. That is, if you are traveling with someone else who needs your help, be sure you put your mask on first. We cannot help anyone else unless we follow that instruction. Be well.

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  8. Sweet Rayne, you have a beautiful heart! The comment you feel guilty, suggests this is probably a common happening? Don’t feel guilty for things you have no control over. You do have things to be positive about, it all depends on the perspective. I’m sorry you had a hard month, but thankfully you had one good day! If you need to hide away for awhile, then that’s what you need and don’t feel guilty for that either. You need to love and care for you.

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    • Thank you. 🙂 I feel guilty quite often, but I’m trying to learn how to seperate justified guilt and unjustified guilt. It’s not as easy as it sounds, especially when my emotional mind (which is my most prominent state) is in full swing. I’m going to use this year to focus more of my self care and setting up healthy boundaries, as I can’t keep draining myself for things I have no control over, but think I do. ❤

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  10. See this EXACTLY what I wrote a poem about.

    Why can’t we find just one moment during that week, during that hour that made us smile or laugh and just…write about that??? Why does our audience always have to see our dreary and melancholy side??? Why do we feel that that’s the only part of us that deserves to be revealed??

    Other than this side of us, we are and can be “crazy cats” we can actually tell a joke, we can actually put on make-up and lipstick and really be beautiful.

    Why must we feel all crummy and like shit inside but post something quite the opposite. I’m not saying to post some fake positive bullshit, but post something that’ll make not only yourself but others laugh.

    You know me girl, I’m bipolar and I flip the switch quite often.
    Love Rayne. You can do this. We can do this.

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  11. Rayne, while you are being hard on yourself, I am full of awe. It must have been incredibly hard for you to admit much less write all of this. I have been crippled in this kind of being stuck for years now and didn’t know this was a part of depression. You have depression! It makes you not recognize yourself or know what happened to the person you used to be. I don’t have any answers, but I can tell you that I am proud of you for your honesty. I haven’t been able to even admit this to even myself until recently. Think about what you just wrote, read it again to yourself. What would you say to someone else who wrote this post, who was struggling like this. When I discovered this is depression, I was hoping that now I could at least have compassion for myself rather than beat myself up every day. I know it doesn’t change our circumstances, but compassion for yourself is important. This is all heart breaking and incredibly sad. And I think this part of depression is very hard for us to understand about ourselves, much less for anyone who has not experienced it. What you are going through is not normal for a healthy person, but it is normal for someone who is experiencing severe depression. My therapist reminds me of this often. Lots of hugs to you!

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    • Thank you for your lovely comment, and your kind words. I appreciate it. It kinda makes it easier to deal with when a person knows what’s happening, and we have a name for it. I’m glad you were able to admit it to yourself. That’s a big step. I’ve been trying to be more compassionate toward myself for the past few months (before therapy I didn’t know just how deep my self-hatred ran), but I still struggle with it a lot. Thanks again. 🙂 ❤

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