Journey Toward Healing

Just A Burden

Being ignored. The story of my life. But do you think I’m used to it? No, it still fucking hurts.

I’m the odd one out. I’m the one whose voice doesn’t matter. Who doesn’t get asked whether I want to do something with them… Only to find out that day, from my uncle (not even them) that they’re going away for the day or weekend. I won’t always want to go with, but sometimes I would like to… And I would appreciate just being asked at least.

Trying to have a conversation, but getting interrupted by someone else, and suddenly it’s like I don’t even exist anymore. And they want to know why I don’t want to spend much time with them. Seriously? What’s the point when I’m either ignored, talked over, get mocked, or subjected to listening to inappropriate things. God help me when I try to express and tell them how it makes me feel. Showing any negative emotions, and it becomes a shit storm. I get yelled at and made to feel like a nothing.

I know I’m a burden. I know I’m an adult. But in those moments I feel like that past child all over again. I’m supposed to be part of this family too. But I’m always left feeling ignored. They even forget I’m around sometimes, and aren’t ashamed of admitting that. Oh man, I feel so loved and special.

It’s not just family either.

But you know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not going to ask for what I want or need ever again. I give up.

I’m not human. I’m not a person. I’m just a burden.

Rayne

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30 responses to “Just A Burden”

  1. Don’t ever feel a burden. It’s them that have the problem, not you. You are human and you are a person who has feelings. I am glad you have aired them out here, as I hope it helps to do so.
    I have not had it in a family setting, but to be ignored, not being able to have a conversation because of risk of being ignored or talked over, etc.. I have experienced that elsewhere quiet a few occasions as an adult through the years. Not forgetting the feeling of not belonging at all anywhere all through comprehensive.

    This situation does not help but make you feel knocked down, because we all want to feel a sense of belonging and love. To have this feeling in a family where you should feel support I would imagine makes it even feel more the worse.
    Do you feel maybe you can get one of your family members to one side to discuss this, or do you have anyone else you can chat to outside the family setting. (Sorry, I can’t remember if I asked this question once before.)

    I hope you find time away from family, even if just a weekend, to do something you love, to be just you.

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    • Hi Liz. Thanks for your comment. I so appreciate your words. I’ve tried discussing these things with family, but I just get made to look like I’m the idiot who’s getting it wrong and talking “shit” as the dad likes to say. They just don’t get it, and it’s been pointless to even try to explain. I talk to my therapist about this… She knows the setting. Even the ‘family session’ we had didn’t do anything. The dad is so set in his ways, and he’s right, while everyone else is wrong. So I’m done trying. I can’t wait to get out of this house. I just need to find a job first.

      I hear you about the feeling of not belonging at all. Sending you hugs.

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      • Hope you find a job and a place soon, so you can have a fresh start. Sounds like this would be better for you. It is a shame you can’t stay somewhere else now. I can understand you feeling done and not doing anymore with the family, in trying to get them to understand, as this just drains unecessary energy for you, for yourself.

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          • A very sad post. You are not a burden it is your family who have a problem not you. Maybe you need to distance yourself from them and surround yourself with people who are more supportive. You already say you don’t like spending time with them. Most of our problems come from what has been done to us in the past. We are survivors not burdens.

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  2. I feel like giving up everyday…somehow I find the strength to continue but I am not sure for how long. I too feel like a burden on my wife and daughter. Sending hugs

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    • I’m so sorry you feel the same way. I know the desire to give up, and how hard it is to find the strength to just keep going. Sending you hugs too.

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  3. I find it really hard when people behave in ways that feel rejecting to me. Interrupting someone and then not respecting the fact that they had been talking and/or apologising later is very rude and disrespectful, and you have every right to feel annoyed or upset about it. I don’t know the situation with your family, but I know that members of my own do so invalidating things, and I never seem to be able to completely let go of this need for them to love me truly and unconditionally. I am still left feeling neglected after getting my hopes up again. I suppose my point here is that it sounds like your feelings make a lot of sense (and even if I couldn’t understand them, they’d still be completely valid), and I certainly don’t think it is any reflection on you, or that you are “a burden”. (Although I can relate enormously to having that thought about myself.) You are absolutely a human being, and also an adult, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with feeling like you do.

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    • I relate completely to everything you said… About your experience and particularly the having trouble letting go of the need to be loved unconditionally by them. Always holding out hope that things will change. Thank you for your comment, and the validation. Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting. *hugs*. ❤

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  4. I know this feeling so well 😦 I am so sorry for the deep pain you are experiencing..You are not a burden and Liz is right. I agree with everything she wrote.
    I have felt unimportant & unloved all my life. No one can ever replace this loss and unfortunately we just have to continue living with it. Sending you a big hug and lots of love hun ❤ ❤ You are not alone and you are important to many people who are able to appreciate you. Dysfunctional family members unfortunately aren't able to show it or feel it deeply.

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    • Thank you, my lovely friend. I’m so sorry that you also experienced this. And like you said, we just have to continue living with it. We’re strong enough. Lots of hugs to you. 🙂 ❤

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  5. Family be damned.

    Treat yourself like you want to be treated and if you don’t get treated like the way you treat yourself… find new people to surround yourself with. You are not a burden. You are a voice. A voice that will be heard. Why else would you write about it?

    Peace to you.

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    • Thank you for your comment. It actually made me realize something, and you’re right. “Treat yourself like you want to be treated”. I’m my own worst enemy, so I need to be treating myself well. Then maybe people won’t get to me as much. Thanks again! 🙂

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  6. I know it hurts Rayne, but you KNOW it’s their problem, not yours. It would be so awesome to have a fairy tale family, that meets all our needs and gives Love. But unfortunately most families are not like this. Being the mother of now two adults, I tried, I did my best …. but I made mistakes, not intentionally of course.
    Just like my parents were not perfect for me. I had to decide what I was going to do with this myself. I know that’s what you are already doing. 😊. Be hurt, feel the pain, don’t take it personally and leave it with them and you become the better being. YOU are the one working on themself, be proud!

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    • I guess we make do with what we have. I realize I’m never going to have that support and love that I need from them, so I need to stop trying and getting upset over it. Like you said, it’s THEIR problem. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

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      • It was something I had to learn the hard way. My father past during a period of silence with him. We never had the best relationship and I know now it was because he wasn’t what I wanted him to be for me instead of loving him for who he was. I was devastated for years after he past, so I decided that I was going to do things differently with my mom. I decided I wasn’t going to take how she treated me personally and tried my hardest to love her, the way I wanted to be loved. I realized that my parents were both very wounded people that didn’t have a clue how to be parents. I realized that about myself after my children were grown …. oh well, I try to get them in therapy! 😉 Seriously, I did my best with what I had. I only pray they don’t hold it against me.

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        • I’m sorry to hear about your father. It must have been so hard for you, especially under those circumstances. You’re right. Parents are wounded themselves. I’m sure you’re a great mother. No one is perfect. ❤

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  8. First, let me say that no one can hurt you more than your own flesh and blood. It is the sense of belonging we have with them that allows us to feel as though we belong in the world at all. I have experienced this too many times to count. It hurts me today. How can this not hurt you? Family should love us and support us, they should. When they don’t, we keep going back over and over again, hoping for different results. And getting hurt all over again. This sounds crazy to others, it sounds crazy to us if we see it in this way. I did the same thing for years, until I realized it was destroying me. My husband has said to me many times, “You keep swimming with sharks and expecting them not to bite you.” I couldn’t really believe this, not on an emotional level. It is too hard to believe anything other than something is terribly wrong with us. I get that. I live this, I feel this on a deep feeling level. It hurts like hell. These experiences make it hard to trust others. It makes it easy, with the slightest hint of unkindness from someone, to throw us back into these feelings all over again. It makes life hard, harder than it should be. I don’t know what the answer is, or how to heal the pain. It is hard to believe, much less face that the people we love and need the most don’t love us, not the way we should be loved. And that they can even be down right cruel and selfish and unloving. Being away from everyone I love and being without the support of family or friends has its own pain. It does not bring healing. But it does keep me from constantly being stabbed and feeling like nothing every time I am with them. Again, I don’t know what the answer is. I struggle with the effects of this every day. I do think I would rather be alone, than feeling the pain of being in the presence of those who make me feel alone. I am not suggesting anything to you, other than letting you know that you are not alone. And that your feelings are normal and understandable. And at the very least I hope that instead of heaping a constant dose of unworthiness on yourself, you can see that their behavior is not kind much less loving. One of the biggest struggles I think we are fighting is having everyone’s behavior toward us, define us. This is what our abusers taught us and it has stuck to us in ways we don’t know how to shake. At some point, in order to be safe and exist in this world, we need to stand back and start letting other peoples behavior define them. I think the reason we don’t is because it is too painful and we have been trained to do the opposite. I am sorry this is what you experience among the people that should be your comfort and safety. Hugs!!!

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  9. I get this at a very deep level Rayne and go through exactly the same. As everyone else has said you are not a burden, others just lack the degree of empathy and deep sensitivity that you have. It is a gift though it can and does feel like the most painful curse at time. I know its hard but try to show yourself the tenderness and love you would show to a small child who is lonely in pain and hurting. I know it cannot totally fill that void in which you long to be seen, heard, validated and loved. Just remember what other do says nothing about you and everything about them. Maybe you are meant for some thing different something deeper. Big hug darling. ❤ ❤

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    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I really should start taking better care of my inner child… That part that never got what she needed, but which I can give her now.

      “Just remember what other do says nothing about you and everything about them.” I’ll have to keep this in mind. Thanks. Hugs to you too. 🙂 ❤

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  10. If you are dependent on them financially, then the dilemma is difficult to escape until such time as you are free of the dependency. Working toward that goal and limiting the time when you are in the line of fire gives you something to aim for. And, necessarily, if you feel you’ve done everything to get the kind of attention and love you want, then grieving is required. All this is easy to say, but hard to do. But you readers must know you don’t give up easily and are here to cheer you on, as they have in the comments above.

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    • Unfortunately, I’m financially dependent on them. I made it my goal to break free before the end of this year though. I’m going to make it happen. I’ve realized that I won’t get what I really need from them, so I’m letting go. Thank you so much for your comment. 🙂

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  12. I know how you feel. I agree with Liz, that it’s their problem and not yours. I think those of us with BPD struggle to feel secure enough in ourselves to ‘brush off’ when other people ignore us, and it hurts deeply. But you deserve more for yourself. Remember the very fact you are still fighting through this means you are incredibly strong!

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