Losing Control

I’m fed up. The year has only begun, yet it feels like December all over again.

I’m tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. January is a terrible time financially for most people. I’m feeling the pain of being broke right about now, and having debit orders bounce. I’m also having some family issues, and on the verge of just taking my shit and getting the hell out of here. Right now, Elizabeth is the only reason I haven’t given up on life.

My therapist is only back on the 8th, and we hadn’t set up a session before she left. I’m so pissed off with myself over that. I was so fucking stupid!

I’m struggling like hell to just get through today in one piece. I can feel certain parts stirring, wanting to get out and be let loose. Don’t know if I can control one of them in particular, who is dangerously close.

So Frustrated!

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Usually when I’ve been in a happy space, it’s lasted a maximum of three days. But this time it’s been eight. A record! I have a new lady in my life, and I’ve never felt the way I feel about her with anyone else… ever. She’s such an amazing gift, and I’m falling hard.

The day started off beautifully, when Elizabeth (my new girlfriend- not her real name obviously) sent me a good morning voice note. It was such a lovely way to wake up. A little later, the first thing went wrong, and that just sent me spiraling down. If I’m honest though, it started last night in group.

I couldn’t wait for group. I had planned to go in and share how much of a good space I’ve been in. I was excited to share. I even offered to go first. But that just flew out the window once I started talking. We had to tell the group something that we’re grateful for. So I told them that I’m grateful that I’ve been in such a happy space lately. I wanted to explain why I’ve been so happy, but then it happened. My mind just went blank. And I ended by throwing in “and I’m grateful for this coffee- my weekly treat”, and that was the end of that. I was left wondering “what the fuck just happened?”

I thought I was making progress by being more open in group, but apparently I’m not doing as well as I thought. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted to? After the group, I stayed behind with two of the other ladies, and I was in high spirits and a mischievous mood. It was fun. And I managed to tell them what I wanted to say in group. It seems I’m okay with opening up to two or three people at a time, but no more than that. Driving home I just started beating myself up again. I was so pissed off. How fucking hard can it be to talk in front of a group of people I know, and who I know won’t judge?! Sure, from time to time, I can throw in my two cents when someone else has shared something, but I still struggle with communicating during those times too. I don’t complete my thoughts, and stumble over my words.

I’m so over this shit! I don’t want to go to group anymore. But I know that’s not going to solve anything. I have somewhat of a bond with some of those people, so it’s nice to see them every week. Dammit! I need to do this thing! But how the hell do I get around this group social anxiety thing?

Today is a shit day. So many things are going wrong. I’m moody and just want to stay in my room and sulk. The only exception is seeing my new lady. I’m seeing her tonight (she got us tickets for an event), which I can’t wait for. I can’t wait to see her again. But for now, I’m pissed off with a lot of things, and so fucking frustrated. It’s not even 11am yet, and I’m already over this day.

I listen to Elizabeth’s voice note and it soothes my nervous system for a while. So that’s keeping me (relatively) sane. Just thinking of her calms me down when I feel I’m going to spit venom at someone… People are especially annoying today.

I’m feeling a little disconnected from my therapist as well. Actually going to send her a text after I post this.

Writing this post has actually helped. I feel a little better. I love my blog, it’s so therapeutic. And I love you guys as well.

I Can’t Remember Your Face…

Or the sound of your voice.

I recently found out that I’m not exactly “normal” when it comes to how I remember how people look. My world is black and white, but not just in the BPD/cognitive distortion sense of the word.

I’m unable to remember what people look like. How their voices sound. The way they walk. I was talking to an old school friend recently, and she was talking about some other students and teachers from our school days. The way she was describing them, I just couldn’t see it. I can’t remember what any of them look like. I have the memories of some of the events she was talking about, but had no recollection of how those she spoke of looked. I don’t quite know how to describe this, since it’s a normal thing for me. I can’t visualize the person’s face. It’s weird. It’s much more of a sense of that person, which for me, translates as seeing. I don’t know if this makes sense. How can I explain something that was always normal to me, and compare it to others experiences?

The strange thing is that during a flashback, I can see the faces of some of “them”… And their facial expressions of the moments I’m reliving, but not always either. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone, if I don’t see them face to face, or in a photo, I can’t picture them. For example, even with the dad. I’ve lived with him most of my life, yet I can’t remember what he looks like when I don’t see him. It’s the same with everyone. With him I can see the facial features I inherited from him when looking in the mirror, but that’s still not the same thing.

I also struggle with my other senses, like smell and taste. Like in guided meditation, when they say something like “bite into the apple and taste the sweetness of it. Feel the juice dripping down your chin. Smell the ocean air, hear the sound of the waves, the birds singing overhead.” Nothing. I can visualize it, but there are no senses involved.

When I say “I can still remember her face, that look on her face”, it’s not the person’s face I’m recalling. I know who it is, but I can’t actually see their face, their nose, eyes, etc. It’s because I know what a smile looks like. I know what expressions look like. So it’s not an actual snapshot of how the expression looked like on them. God, this is confusing. Instead of “out of sight, out of mind”, the more accurate phrase for me is “out of view, out of mind’s eye”.

It’s unsettling that others can do what I can’t. All those times I’ve said that I hear someone’s voice in my head? Well, it’s their words, in my voice. I thought this was how it is. I didn’t know there was another way. As for the method of self-soothing that some people use… Picturing the faces of their loved ones helps them feel calm and safe. But I can’t do that. I have to rely on voice notes and photo’s. It doesn’t seem fair. But hey, life’s not fair.

I’ve “interviewed” most of the people I know, and I’m the only one who seems to struggle this much. They can all visualize someone’s face, some clearer than others, and hear the sound of their loved one’s voice. I’m the odd one out. They’re fascinated. I’m pissed off. Does anyone know whether this is a BPD thing, or a “me” thing?

This Unwelcome Feeling

This unwelcome feeling seeps into my soul. Where did it come from, and will it ever go?

It’s not a thought, nor is it really a desire. It’s a feeling that haunts me day by day.

Constantly lurking in the shadows. It’s presence can be felt even on the best days. I can’t stand feeling this way, and it never really goes away. Always lingering.

 

I don’t want to live.

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Just A Burden

Being ignored. The story of my life. But do you think I’m used to it? No, it still fucking hurts.

I’m the odd one out. I’m the one whose voice doesn’t matter. Who doesn’t get asked whether I want to do something with them… Only to find out that day, from my uncle (not even them) that they’re going away for the day or weekend. I won’t always want to go with, but sometimes I would like to… And I would appreciate just being asked at least.

Trying to have a conversation, but getting interrupted by someone else, and suddenly it’s like I don’t even exist anymore. And they want to know why I don’t want to spend much time with them. Seriously? What’s the point when I’m either ignored, talked over, get mocked, or subjected to listening to inappropriate things. God help me when I try to express and tell them how it makes me feel. Showing any negative emotions, and it becomes a shit storm. I get yelled at and made to feel like a nothing.

I know I’m a burden. I know I’m an adult. But in those moments I feel like that past child all over again. I’m supposed to be part of this family too. But I’m always left feeling ignored. They even forget I’m around sometimes, and aren’t ashamed of admitting that. Oh man, I feel so loved and special.

It’s not just family either.

But you know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not going to ask for what I want or need ever again. I give up.

I’m not human. I’m not a person. I’m just a burden.