Being ignored. The story of my life. But do you think I’m used to it? No, it still fucking hurts.
I’m the odd one out. I’m the one whose voice doesn’t matter. Who doesn’t get asked whether I want to do something with them… Only to find out that day, from my uncle (not even them) that they’re going away for the day or weekend. I won’t always want to go with, but sometimes I would like to… And I would appreciate just being asked at least.
Trying to have a conversation, but getting interrupted by someone else, and suddenly it’s like I don’t even exist anymore. And they want to know why I don’t want to spend much time with them. Seriously? What’s the point when I’m either ignored, talked over, get mocked, or subjected to listening to inappropriate things. God help me when I try to express and tell them how it makes me feel. Showing any negative emotions, and it becomes a shit storm. I get yelled at and made to feel like a nothing.
I know I’m a burden. I know I’m an adult. But in those moments I feel like that past child all over again. I’m supposed to be part of this family too. But I’m always left feeling ignored. They even forget I’m around sometimes, and aren’t ashamed of admitting that. Oh man, I feel so loved and special.
It’s not just family either.
But you know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not going to ask for what I want or need ever again. I give up.
I’m not human. I’m not a person. I’m just a burden.
Don’t tell me it’s in the past, that I need to let it go.
Because the past has the sneaky habit of intruding on the present.
Don’t tell me what I feel is wrong.
Because what I feel is coming from a real place and there’s a reason for it.
Don’t tell me I need religion and God (your idea of God anyway).
Because religion fucked me up in more ways than one.
Don’t tell me that life will get better if I just have faith that it will.
Because you can’t see into my future.
Don’t tell me you understand exactly how I feel.
Because you couldn’t possibly know. You have no idea.
Don’t tell me I don’t need therapy.
Because therapy is helping me deal with deep seated pain and trauma.
Don’t tell me I don’t need medication.
Because that medication is helping to keep me relatively sane.
Don’t tell me I’m overreacting.
Because in that moment I can’t think straight.
Don’t tell me you love me.
Because you’re not capable of real love.
Just leave me alone.
I’m so insanely angry, and I’m not even entirely sure where it’s coming from. I feel anger about everything and nothing at the same time. I haven’t felt this intense feeling of utter rage and hatred in years. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, set fire to buildings, start a fight in a bar, throw ‘him’ off my balcony. I want to HURT people. All those fucked up bastards who hurt children and teenagers, who hurt others just because they feel like it. I want to make them pay, in slow agony and send them to hell where they belong. This rage scares me, yet I also feel exhilarated by it. How fucked up is that?
Oh well, screw it.