Insecurity, Hot On The Heels Of Vulnerability

Therapy is hard sometimes.

And yesterdays session was one of those.

I’m always open during my sessions, and trust my therapist with things I can’t ever speak to anyone else about. She holds my secrets.

But this one was particularly difficult for me. For some reason it felt like I was more exposed than ever before. I’ve told her lots of things, some worse than what I revealed to her yesterday, I think. Yet, this just felt different. It was the hardest thing I’ve told her so far, and I don’t know why that was the case. But she was amazing, and made me feel safe and comforted in those moments.

I can’t even remember what brought it on, but at some point during the session I had a damn panic attack. It was horrible. She was with me every step of the way though, something I’ve never had anyone do for me before. So I’m glad she was there, and not somebody else. She knew how to handle it, and she was gentle and kind, and I got through it.

It was a hard session, but I felt cared for during most of it. But then at one point it went horribly wrong. I took everything as an attack, a judgement. And all I wanted to do was shut down. Disappear.

I felt so fragile. I just wanted her to understand where I was coming from. But it felt like we were on opposite ends of a mountain. I was (metaphorically) yelling things at her, wanting her to really see and understand where I was coming from. And she was yelling things at me from the other side of the mountain, and I felt like she couldn’t really hear me. I felt invisible.

She was pushing me. She told me I need to be pushed sometimes. That she was trying to motivate and encourage me. Whenever she’d tell me that in the past, I would agree. But I realized yesterday that the truth is… I actually don’t need to be pushed. How could I expect her to know that, when even I didn’t realize it until yesterday? I can’t. I need a gentle touch. I’ve had enough “tough love” in my life, and it’s never worked. While it may work for others, for me it has the opposite effect. It makes me feel really low, invisible and even worse about myself. When someone is gentle with me, that encourages me. That motivates me. That pushes me.

I’m not blaming her at all. I’m not attacking or criticizing her. She’s still a hero in my eyes. She’s still up on the pedestal, and in my opinion the best damn therapist there is. I just think we’re both still learning how to work with one another. Every relationship is like that. Figuring out how best to deal with each other.

Seeing that the time was running out, as usual made me feel horrible. I hate it when the session is over. I always wish it could go on a little bit longer. I hate goodbyes. I felt angry, and expressed it in a crappy way. My therapist rightly pointed out that ending sessions makes me anxious, and that I was trying to push her away. I don’t want to push her away, so I don’t know why I still do.

As the session was drawing to a close, we discussed how we felt about it. I realized that I can’t really express my feelings when she asks me my thoughts on the session, and I stumble over my words, because I usually only truly know how it felt to me a little while afterward. My mind seems to work that way… Slow. I need to analyze for a while first. I was happy to hear that she thought it had been a good session. That was reassuring and comforting.

I was going to carry that with me until our next session. Knowing that I have nothing to worry about. Then, this morning, I sent her a text, setting up our next session. And that’s when it went downhill for me. Reading things into every omission. Most of the time she ends a message the same way, by telling me to have a good morning or afternoon. But something was different today. Something so simple. Like also not asking how I was. Ending the next text with something that just felt so impersonal. Small little things that shouldn’t affect me. But those small things brought the insecurity out in full force and I felt so incredibly hurt and confused. And that intensified with the email she sent a little while ago. Most of the time our communication feels warm and soothing. This time it felt so impersonal and distant. Clinical. As if we were strangers. I keep telling myself that she’s just really busy or tired, which is the most likely scenario. I think this insecurity was caused by the after effects of being so revealing yesterday. I always tell her about things that she said that upset me, and most of the time I had just read the situation wrong. She handles it so well. So I’m hoping that once again this is the case.

But still, I can’t shake the feeling that she’s disappointed in me. I hate being so damn sensitive.

I still feel vulnerable and ashamed from yesterday. The remnants of the shame I’ve always felt about that specific event but that I would quickly push down? Because it’s one of those things that I barely ever wanted to admit to myself, and pushed away whenever it would surface. But I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have told her that after all. I’m feeling very insecure about it. Insecure in myself. And most of all… Embarrassed. Exposed. Vulnerable.

And then the thought came: What if she didn’t believe me? What if she doesn’t like me anymore?” Where is all this insecurity coming from? And why do I still feel so fragile? Like the tiniest thing will just rip me into pieces.

It seems that for me, being vulnerable opens the door for insecurity to enter. Sharing something very personal and difficult is a major risk. Even when it’s sharing it with someone you trust very much, it’s still daunting.

I so desperately want her to believe in me, but how can I expect her to when I don’t even believe in myself? As she pointed out, I have a habit of giving up too soon, of quitting. Which is the truth. I’m surprised I’ve managed to keep this blog up for so long. I’ve only had one person in my life who believed in me, and would tell me that often. And knowing that, I always did my best. One positive voice drowned out all the negative voices that kept telling me that I’ll never amount to anything. That I couldn’t do something. But her belief in me, pushed me to do and be my best and not give up no matter how hard something was. That person was my grandmother. My best friend in the whole world. The world that crashed down around me when she went away. After that, something changed. No longer did I have her encouraging voice, and the negative voices gained a powerful foothold. And I let it.

Scared. Insecure. Did I share too much? And why does it feel like my heart is breaking?

I feel this incredible need to beg her to stay. Like a child holding onto her parents legs, begging them not to leave.

Maybe she should walk away. She’ll have to do it though, because I won’t be able to.

I just don’t feel worth it anymore.

Am I still worth it to her?

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13 thoughts on “Insecurity, Hot On The Heels Of Vulnerability

  1. I have been in a similar situation before…
    All you can do is keep doing therapy and try and implement the therapist’s advice. Unfortunately, there is a lot of trial and error in this process and it’ll require stepping out of a comfort zone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I’ve definitely been stepping out of my comfort zone a lot since starting therapy. Maybe that’s why I feel so unstable. 😛 I won’t be leaving therapy. I need it, so this is one thing I won’t quit. I’m not going to run just because it’s hard. It’s precisely the hard parts that are the most revealing and healing. Thanks so much for you comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I doubt she is disappointed in you or that she doesn’t believe you. She likely is tired or something. It’s okay to ask her if you want. It sucks that this came after sharing something vulnerable, though, and I can understand where your feelings are coming from.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. And thanks for saying you understand where my feelings are coming from… It makes me feel a little less insane. 😛 I sent my therapist a text this morning, to see if it was possible to move our session to an earlier date, and everything is back to normal. 🙂 She even used something new, that made me feel really special and happy. Maybe she read this post, haha. I doubt it though, but I think I’m going to read it to her in our next session. I always feel even more connected when I’m open about things like this and can talk them through. I never want to get to a point where I sit on things, and become resentful. It’s better to get everything out in the open. And sometimes it’s these conversations that end up being some of the most revealing and strengthens our connection. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. When I was really struggling my best friend looked at me and said “There’s no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone” and I try to remember that when I’m feeling similarly to you. Ruptures and vulnerable conversations can lead to the most wonderful breakthroughs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “When someone is gentle with me, that encourages me. That motivates me. That pushes me.” This is an amazing insight, and something I would encourage you to share with your therapist (whenever you feel ready, of course).
    It’s so painful to share something very vulnerable with anyone, even your therapist. It’s good work, but it’s painful work. My heart really goes out to you – I have been there, too – not exactly, of course, but in a similar situation. I hope that you can “ride the wave” of the pain and that it starts to ebb. Hugs to you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always love reading your comments. Thank you. 🙂 I’ll definitely share it with my therapist. I’ve put it on my list of things I’d like to discuss with her in our next session. Oh yes, it’s painful work. I think one of the hardest parts is when it’s something that you’ve been in denial about for a long time, and didn’t even want to think about, so speaking it out loud and letting it come out into the open is terrifying. Thanks for the hugs. Sending you one too. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hate speaking things out loud – sometimes I just can’t, and that’s why I write. I know I need to get a little better about speaking my thoughts, in session, so that’s something I’m working on, but you’re right, it’s terrifying. xx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh I’m with you on that one. Writing is so much easier than saying things out loud. It gives us time to frame our words better and get our thoughts together. Sometimes I tend to give people the wrong impression or say stupid things because they want an answer ‘now’ and I struggle with that. Especially in job interviews, lol. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

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